You Laugh a Little, You Cry a Little
Some of you already know this, but I have decided to share it here with everyone who reads this blog, given that all readers, especially the regulars, now share in my life somehow. My stay in Bulgaria will be coming to an end in 2 months' time...for now, at least. The reason I finally decided to share this here is that I feel torn. But let me back-track a little bit to tell you the full story.
I had applied to graduate schools (International Relations and Public Policy) and was supposed to start school in fall 2006. But I decided to defer for a year and return to Bulgaria instead, promising myself that I would indeed end up going to school the following year if I got accepted to my first-choice school and received enough financial aid to make the decision rational. In the meantime, I wanted to discover for myself what Bulgaria was like, what it is like to live here, and make my own conclusions as to whether I could and want to live here. After 9.5 months, the answer is a very definite YES. So definite, that now I feel somewhat sad that I have to leave for the States again. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited about graduate school, being a student again, and being surrounded by brilliant people, but I will miss Bulgaria, my life here, and everyone in it tremendously. But guess like that poem about the penguin states, I have come to the realization that no matter what, I will always miss something from the other side of the ocean. It is inevitable when I have spent so much time in both places.
What I feel happy about though is that I no longer feel scared of the prospect of ending up here...in fact, at this point in time, I would prefer it, but we'll see what the future has in store. And before bidding Bulgaria farewell for the next two years, I plan to take full advantage of the remaining time (and to document the interesting points here, of course). And no matter where I am, I will continue to write about the things, people, places and happenings that leave an impression. I do hope you will continue reading.
I will be back and forth in the coming weeks, so apologies in advance if I don't update this as often as I usually do.
9 comments:
I just wanted to say I know what you mean, at least some anyway.
People are always asking me "Where do you want to stay in the end?" or something like that, assuming that eventually I have to pick one.
I don't think I would ever pick one side or the other permanently, which is kind of scary to think about, but I try to focus on the "for now" and make that a fairly flexible time frame. I have decided to stay as long as it feels right and will move if it stops feeling right. Like you said, permanently destined/doomed to miss something on the other side.
H. in HH
P.S. Oh, and congrats on the grad school!! I knew it was in the works, but not any specifics. (sometime you have to let me know where you are headed more specifically...)
H. in HH
Exactly, I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never have a definitive answer to that question (of where I want to settle down in the end)... I think it is all circumstantial. So, best thing is to just take it as it comes and not dwell on it too much. Otherwise, I am bound to drive myself crazy.
Congratulations on your grad school acceptance - not to mention the financial help you'll get. I am looking forward to reading more about your experiences in Bulgaria before you leave.
Someday you will be wealthy enough to live in both places as you like!
sonyphone
Thank you! Yes, there will definitely be more to share... and then I am sure there will a lot to say about what I now find strange in the U.S. after being away :)
Congratulations!
Keep us in the loop :)
Thanks! I definitely will :)
i think in the end BG will always be ure home. no matter how much time u really spend there through out ure life - given any opportunity to do so (circumstances permitting) u will gravitate towards BG.
i say this in light of and keeping in mind a few things:
1) based on all ure points here we will never be satisfied with living in one place. what does keep us in any place for a prolonged period of time is the work we are doing there. yes there are friends and significant others to consider but in the end none of us sit free. we always want to feel useful. we need a cause. and its this cause which drives our location in this world at any given point in time.
2) life is a real bitch. the "cause" as mentioned above comes and goes. friends come and go. as we globe trot working through and for our causes we keep getting hurt and disillusioned. that is life. When this happens we feel like going closer to where we feel we are part of something even if we dont have a cause there. i dont know about u but i would feel a lot more comfortable living in karachi (where i am from) and not doing anything as compared to living in washington, dc (where i currently live) and not doing anything. u feel weird.
hence in the end BG, Karachi, HH, where u are from will always be your home. unfortunately in our new world such places are best lived in when one has no more causes to fight for and internal battles to win.
i dont know if people agree with this or whether its even clear enough for people to understand. but just some thoughts from an individual who is currently not where he is originally from and not even where he is currently supposed to be living.
AM. in Rainy London
I don't think I could have said it better! Thank you for the thoughts.
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