Back in the Day
I have really enjoyed spending more time with my grandparents since I have been back in Bulgaria. Not only because I love the Sunday lunches that one of my grandmothers always prepares but also because I have learned a lot more about each of them as people. And interestingly enough I also learned how they each met their spouse. For some reason, I hadn't known this until now, or even been curious to ask. I have no idea why. Seems like something I would have loved to learn even when I was 17 or 18.
The stories of both my sets of grandparents really touched me... actually, they almost made me cry (yes, I can be sentimental like that). So, as something that has had an impact, I thought I would share them here.
The first story: My grandfather met my grandmother after he first moved to Sofia from his village. He rented a room in a big house not far from the city center; he had 3 or 4 other housemates. The stairs to the upper floors passed right outside his bedroom window. One evening as it was pouring out he noticed a young woman with an elderly man walk up the stairs. They were both drenched from the rain. My grandfather claims that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. It turns out that the young woman knew one of the other housemates and was hoping to find a room to rent in the same house. Her father was accompanying her. The landlord turned them away saying there were no more rooms available. But my grandfather intervened, offering to share a room with one of the other housemates and make his available for her. And that was that. The woman moved in; somehow they all fit in the house. And, of course, it's probably not too hard to guess that the young woman in the story is my grandmother. So here we have it: love at first sight. Only a couple of months later they each visited their respective families to introduce the other person and were married a month later.
The second story: My grandmother was on the train on the way to visit her cousins. And this is where she met a young man with whom she talked most of the way. Before getting off the train, the man asked for her address and whether he could write to her. My grandmother agreed. They kept up their letter correspondence for at least a year while he was stationed with the army and saw each other perhaps once or twice. They were married soon after his second visit to her village.
What struck me about both these stories is not only the almost fairy-tale way in which they start... but also how simple, quick, and based on little information the decision to marry was. Nowadays, it seems that we ask ourselves too many questions, analyze way too much, and view every relationship under a magnifying glass to figure out whether it is the right one. And we do this not only with relationships. Obviously, things are very different now from the way they were when my grandparents were in their late teens and early 20s, but sometimes I can't help but wish that I wouldn't think through things so much (and I am not talking only about relationships here) and would just take the plunge.
Anyway, I would be curious to hear your thoughts on analyzing too much nowadays vs. having it all be much simpler back then. Why can't things just be simple?
7 comments:
Hello,
First of all I have to say how much I enjoy reading your blog since I stumbled upon it. Your observations are very familiar to me as I am originally from Sofia and they really do take me back there.
My maternal grandparents have a very similar meeting story as your story #1. I guess in those days the lack of information made things simpler but also more real as well. Now, people can easily hide behind dating site profiles, coded text messages, and so on. And then when you actually go on a date it feels like a job interview. I prefer the old fashion method.
Hi and thanks for de-lurking yourself :). I agree with you. Nowadays, we have way too much information and too many opportunities (career-wise, education-wise, travel-wise). And although that is all great on the one hand; on the other, it just makes things complicated that shouldn't be complicated. And the simple emotions get lost in the process. Sometimes we are way too focused on future plans in order to enjoy the present moment, unfortunately.
I have to say these stories are truly beautiful. Its the simple things about getting to know someone and then being with them forever which both stories bring out. Needless to say i agree with you on the "questioning everything" point. Do you think we do this now because it has become more acceptable to be in relationships outside of Wedlock?
Hmmm, hadn’t really thought of that. Potentially you could be right. There is more of an opportunity to “shop around”, so to speak, before finally settling on the one person. (Sorry to put it in such blunt terms, but those are the ones that come to me to best describe the situation.) But I also think that back then people were much more willing to work through their differences. Yes, they might have gotten married after only briefly knowing the person (i.e., having little information to base the decision on), but they had a greater readiness (or desire) to work through the problems, barriers, etc. that would come up. Nowadays, with it being easier to marry and divorce, and also having more relationships outside of wedlock (as you pointed out), people seem to have more of the “I-can-always-get-out” mentality and don’t put as much of an effort to work through problems, reconcile differences, make compromises, and get to know what really stands behind those problems. They seem more willing to just move on. And then comes the greater analysis and questioning the next time the next person comes around—you try to figure out whether some of the same problems/difference/barriers etc from your previous relationship might come up in this potential/new one… and so on and so on. It seems like the cycle never ends. (Well, I know it’s not quite like that…we all settle down with someone sooner or later but the process of getting there seems very different from back in the day and the decision more often than not seems to be reached after prolonged thought and analysis.)
Another thing I thought of, if I were to play devil’s advocate to myself :), is that back then that is how people’s lives progressed. They reached a certain age and got married. There was no such thing as going to university, doing your master’s, traveling to see more of the country (let alone the world), focusing on your career.
Obviously there are pros and cons to each of the positions—how it was back then vs. how it is now with the multitude of opportunities that exist—it’s up to the individual person in the end. But it definitely is an interesting topic to discuss, so keep the comments coming.
Hey - got your email! I've been around but I haven't been blogging quite as much these days.
Anyway, cut stories. I think the changes in relationships these has a lot to do with the acceptability of relationships without marriage and divorce. I think we have 2 groups now - those that get married quickly and possibly divorced just as quickly. I don't think they question relationships to death, which is probably part of the problem.
And then there are those of us that see that divorce rate and don't want to be THAT person and so we stay in relationships longer before marrying. But before taking the big step of course you have to be really SURE and probably that is impossible, so the questions never really get resolved.
I think I prefer it the modern way though, especially as a woman. It may have made for a nice story back then, but I really can't imagine too many things worse than having to be tied for the rest of your life to a person you actually can't stand because you didn't have much of a choice and did things really quickly. Of course nowadays we just get divorced, but I don't want to do that either.
-Hässa
Hi,
When you mentioned 'shopping around' it reminded me of the hundreds of ways one can do it nowadays. Especially with the presence of Internet! Here's what happened to me a year ago:
My Bulgarian ex-boyfriend had registered in Elmaz.com - the most famous site for "meeting your new love" and was dating girls while he was still dating me.He even used his real name, had a picture and visited it almost every day, even from our mutual computer! As someone said..one never knows if anything better could come around:)) Anyway, one of my girlfriends came upon his profile in Elmaz cause she had a profile there, too. So, I registered under a differnet name and "checked" him, as I still couldn't believe it was true. Well, it was..
So, talk about complexity and analyses!! And still it's such a small world!
Well, I'm sure our grandparents were lucky they didn't have that back then:)
Btw, I hear it's very common in Bulgara (and not only here), to date online while you're having a relatinship, even a serious one..
Ahh Elmaz.com... have heard so much about it, although I have actually never checked the site out myself. Maybe I should one of these days to amuse myself a little bit.
Your story introduced another interesting angle to the whole discussion--the fact that nowadays especially with the presence of i-net it has become so much easier to cheat on your significant other on the one hand; and on the other, that "online" dating is easier to keep secret (although not always as was the case with you and your ex). The thing is that I am sure that if you asked a lot of people, they would probably claim that online dating is not really cheating, but then that's a whole other story.
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