Frohe Weihnachten

This made my Christmas :)
Antonia (my cousin's daughter)... so I guess, technically, my niece

My latest infatuation

Pearls and swine, bereft of me
long and weary my road has been
I was lost in the cities
Alone in the hills
No sorrow or pity
For leaving I feel-yeah
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
Friends and liars
Dont wait for me
'Cause I'll get on
I'll get on all by myself
I put millions of miles
Under my heels
And still too close to you
I feel, yeah eh eh
I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightning
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

A Tempting Sight

A destination that is quickly climbing up my list of must-see-soon sites:

Yosemite National Park

An Ongoing Complaint

Since when did people stop having time for friends and only for their “significant others”? Is there a certain age you cross after which all of a sudden you feel as if in a vacuum, separated from all your friends who are in their own vacuums? I think about this pretty often nowadays and I sometimes wonder if I am the only person who makes note of this, and not only that—who is actually enraged by this. Since when did chores, your job, grocery shopping, hanging out at home become more important than spending time with your friends? May be I have it wrong and everyone else has it right, but I can’t help feeling betrayed at moments. And I simply can’t seem to accept this state of affairs. Friends call me less frequently (and I often feel that if I didn’t pick up the phone to call them, they might not call for months). I could be wrong, but that’s the impression that I get. It’s the “I will call you later”, which often means “I will call you when I have less to do at work and my boyfriend/girlfriend is away”, not always, but often. I have noticed that friends call when something is not going right in their lives, especially with their significant others, and then they want to talk. Which is fine; I like being there for my friends and being able to help them out and I would do almost anything to see them happy, but I sometimes think: Why can’t we get together, call each other up, talk when we are happy and have good things to share?

One answer is that once people reach a certain stage in their relationship with their “significant other” (especially if they live together), they tend to rely and open up only to that one person. The significant other is the person who bears all the sorrows, happiness, frustrations, achievements, etc. of his/her partner. And people start closing up to others around them, even their best friends. They tend to share less and less with the people they used to share everything with. They now do everything through the significant other “lens” so to speak, always thinking of what your partner will say/think/do in a certain situation or in reply to a certain suggestion. That’s understandable, of course, you want to consider the wishes and preferences of the person you are with and you love and I admire that, but what I don’t understand is, how come there is less love, time, space for your other friends? I am not talking about casual acquaintances here, I am talking about the friends you shared your hopes, dreams, childhoods, college years, exhilarations with, the ones you could always count on to inspire you, listen to you, make you laugh, and help you out, no matter what. All of a sudden, you are too busy to pay attention, to care about what is happening in their lives, to try and reconnect…. and you drift further and further apart. I can’t say that I blame the people necessary; they are still the same people, but something changes, and that is what really bothers me. Why does that happen? Is it just with my group of friends, is it where I live, is it the United States? Or do people my age worldwide experience this phenomenon? The distance and the mobility don’t help either. I don’t know why it so turns out that most of the people who feel the same way I do, actually live in completely different cities (sometimes even countries). It is a dire situation…… (again, I exaggerate, but…I do take it badly).
The problem is that as I notice people closing up around me, I think “Well, why do I have to be the one making all the effort?” and I begin to stop trying. And I don’t want it to be that way. I don’t want to care less about my friends. I don’t want to stop trying to keep the connection, but what if there comes a point when you just have to let go? My mother has told me several times that I live too much in the past and with memories, rather than in the present….

May be she is right, but on the other hand, I think it is important to remember your past and carry some of those great memories to continue in your present.

The Value of Life (and my attempt to not get too philosophical)

Quick update: I managed to get sand in my shoes several times since the last post.

Every day, I think of more and more things I could write about, share my impressions of, express an opinion on... I have assembled a small collection of potential "stories". Well, today I decided to actually put one on paper (or should I say cyberspace?). I am reminded of what I am about to write every time I hear police sirens. Because police sirens in downtown DC frequently equal the procession escorting President Bush to his next destination. Several motorcycles, followed by several tainted-window SUVs, followed by several luxury limo-type cars (also with tainted windows), again followed by SUVs and motorcycles. (I am sure it is actually a perfectly symmetrical arrangement, all flashing in red and blue.) And it makes me wonder--here is this one man, protected by dozens of people and guns, while in other parts of the world tens (sometimes hundreds) of people are massacred every day... but hardly anyone pays attention, let alone does anything to protect or save these people. So are we in reality assigning different values to the lives of different individuals? And how can we be right in doing that when it just seems plain wrong?

Sand in My Shoes

"I've still got sand in my shoes
And I can't shake the thought of you.
I should get on, forget you,
but why would I want to."

Especially today, I wish I had sand in my shoes.......

...You've got to cry without weeping,
Talk without speaking,
Scream without raising your voice,
you know I took the poison, from the poison stream
and floated out of here...

U2 never cease to amaze me. Just when I think that I have seen and heard all there is to see and hear from them, they come up with something new (and just as intriguing). On Saturday, one of my dreams came true for the second time--I saw them live. Of course, I once again was extremely jealous of all the people in the rows in front of the stage and was almost disappointed when I saw that a large majority of those people didn't even seem that excited to be where they were (what a waste of next-to-stage space, I thought)... but I digress. Whenever I'm at a concert, I always wonder how people who can stand united by an artist (or even just by one song) can stand so far apart otherwise. Of course, at concerts all talk of ridding the world of poverty, AIDS, war, and suffering are applauded and cheered loudly. But then the concert ends, the lights come on, and reality hits. And people forget what they had been cheering about just moments earlier. So, is that hypocrisy or weakness? Why do most of us do nothing if we feel so strongly about these issues? I don't take myself out of the crowds of people I am describing, but I have pondered this many times.

Here is something I came across recently that I think is worth taking a glance at: http://www.one.org/
The ONE Campaign to fight AIDS and poverty. Doesn't require much, but support can go a long way. Check it out, if you want to move out of the habit of just forgetting your promises when the lights come on.

City (Duck) Slickers

Some people tell the arrival of spring by the blossoming flowers or the leafing trees, the lilacs, the warmer days, or the increasing excitement when you are out on the street. Having worked in the same office building almost consistently throughout the last 3.5 years, I tell the arrival of spring by the arrival of the ducks. Yes, ducks. This may not be the picture you have in your mind of Washington, D.C., but sure enough there are ducks in downtown D.C. And the great (and almost inspiring) thing is that they come back to the same fountain across the street from my office building year after year. “So what?” you may think. The funny thing is that as I walk to work every day, while people are busy running to Starbucks or trying to cut their waiting time to cross the street by 5 seconds (yes, time is money), I always check to see how my little community of ducks is doing. And sure enough, it brightens up my day. Towards the end or March/beginning of April, a pair of ducks (one male, one female) usually arrives. They make the fountain their home and are literally inseparable. Whenever you see the male, you are sure to see the female not very far away from that spot. Sometimes, they even waddle along on the sidewalk as if they are in their own little world, oblivious to the business executives rushing past them. Well, now it’s May. In recent days, I walk by the fountain and I keep seeing five male ducks (there is no sign of females). My guess is that the females are secluded somewhere, busy with laying and hatching eggs. So the males, given the fact that their female companions have temporarily deserted them, have to amuse themselves in groups. It’s pretty interesting to observe (for me, anyway). And it is gratifying to see that there is life other than that of corporate employees in downtown D.C. It almost makes me question what I’m doing locked up in a cubicle across the street…..

Love or Faith

Today I attended a wedding.... my first wedding in the U.S.... probably the third wedding in my life. It seems that that's a regular occurrence nowadays and it's only I who doesn't want to accept it as such. After all, I am 26 and most people I know are around the same age or a little older. It is only normal that they should be getting married, because that is what people at the age of 20 or 30 something do. Yet, I try to put myself in their shoes and I start feeling a certain kind of fear. Why? I have asked myself that question a million times, and I have no good answer. Maybe it's because I'm not ready, maybe it's because I've lost my faith in a long-term relationship, maybe I am just not "the marrying kind" (to quote the show I live and breathe nowadays, "Sex and the City"). Today, as I stood and watched my friends take their vows, I thought "You have to have a lot of faith to do that." And really, the more I thought about it, the more I seemed to come to the conclusion that faith is all it takes. You may love, you may want, but if you don't have the faith, that doesn't amount to much. While people are often quick to throw "I love you's" around, taking the next step comes as a challenge. And it is precisely because of this little word, FAITH. How many times have we seen the following scenario: two people really love each other, they live and laugh together, then the man proposes..... and all of a sudden everything changes, and it just doesn't work anymore. Is it because they did not truly love each other? Is it because they weren't "right" for each other (whatever that means)? Or is it because of the lack of faith in long-term love? I have had this argument with one of the people closest to me and he claimed that people often say "I love you" without really meaning it. They don't realize what true love is, so they assume that what they feel at that moment is love, whereas it might not be. Well, I think that often when people say "I love you" they do mean it, they do feel it, they aren't making it up, but then when it comes to the faith to have something long-term, to take that extra step, they falter. Maybe love is in our DNA but faith isn't. Or maybe faith has taken a harder beating from reality. Either way, is it love or is it faith that really matters?

Food....or Power?

Friday, April 22nd.

Something funny happened today. I experienced first-hand how food can change people's mood. There I was, standing in line at the CVS pharmacy counter, when the man in front of me gets barked at by the pharmacist, "May I help you?!" (It came across more like an attack, than a polite question.) The man, startled at first, responded by giving his last and first names; he was picking up a prescription. After retrieving the prescription (and asking the man to spell his extremely complicated name--Peter Baker--about 3 times), the pharmacist turned her attention, and her bad mood, to Peter again. "Do you have a CVS card?" He searches in his wallet. "CVS card??!!" Peter continues to search, feeling the pressure building. "May I have your CVS card, PLEASE?" He finally finds it (probably breathes an internal sigh of relief) and hands it over. "Thank you for shopping at CVS... NEXT!" I think to myself, "I wonder what she will do to me?" And I don't have to wait long to find out. "May I help you?!" I proceed to spell my last name..... very slowly (people usually don't get the L-K-O part). In the midst of my careful spelling, the pharmacist suddenly exclaims (with a hint of a smile), "Mmmhhmm, somebody's lunch smells sooooo good." "I think it may be mine, " I say quietly--I can't tell whether she is annoyed or pleased with the smell... and I certainly did not want to make her any more angry. (Ten minutes earlier I had bought a stir-fry lunch from the deli across from work and was carrying it in a plastic bag). She smiles, "That smells so good." And believe it or not, just the smell of that delicious lunch bought me her good mood (and graces) for the remainder of my time at the pharmacy. She was polite, friendly, albeit a little distracted by the "delicious smell"--she had to count my change about 3 times to ensure she hadn't made a mistake. So, it seems that she was just extremely hungry, and thus cranky. My conclusion--when foreseeing a situation in which you would need to interface with (infamous) customer service people, make sure something on you smells good........

Edin den

Edin den se subudih i neshto prosto ne beshe sushtoto. Ne mozhah da si go obiasnia, ne se beshe sluchilo nishto, ili pone nishto vidimo. Lezhah izvestno vreme, uzhasnoto chuvstvo produlzhavashe da me chovurka otvutre, opitvaiki se da izblikne na povurhnostta, no ne mozha. Niakolko dena po-kusno, sled razgovori s niakolko choveka, razbrah kakvo me chovurka…. Faktut che veche ne sum malka, che ne moga da se skriia zad nikoi drug, a triabva sama da poema otgovornostta za vsichki reshenia ot tuk natatuk i che vsichki ostanali shte stoiat otstrani i shte oceniavat tezi reshenia. Talk about pressure! I to samo kakvi reshenia—na tova miasto li shte sum nai-shtasliva? s tozi chovek li shte sum nai-shtastliva? sega li e pravilnia moment? zashto vsichki okolo men misliat za brak i deca, a men ot samata misul me pobivat trupki? Chuvstvah se hvurlena po techenieto, no na men ne mi se pluvashe po nego, iskah da se vurna nazad, no tova se okaza nevuzmozhno. Sushtevremenno nikoi ne mi beshe podhvurlil poias za da se spravia po-lesno s burzeite…. Izvednuzh se pochuvstvah uzhasno sama… dori kogato se provikvah za pomosht, nikoi ne me chuvashe. Horata, zaeti po svoite si techenia, susredotocheni da izbiagvat kamunite po tehnia si put, prosto mi biaha oburnali grub, ne narochno, ne umishleno, prosto fakt ot zhivota (kakto bi kazal bashta mi)…. I se zamislih… tova li e to zhivota? Priatelite ti se otdalechavat, naprezhenieto raste, otgovornostite se umnozhavat, vsichko stava vse po-slozhno, trudno, tragichno…. Malkite greshki stavat ogromni greshki, uvelicheni ot lupata narechena "zrialost", "porasnalost" ili kakto tam iskame da ia narechem; vsiako reshenie kasae veche ne samo teb samia, ami i budeshtite ti pokolenia (zamisliali li ste se niakoga nad tova?); mnogo iasno che chovek mozhe da se skurshi pod tova naprezhenie. Az vse oshte ne moga da razbera horata kak izdurzhat i uspiavat da zhiveiat normalen i pulnocenen zhivot, kak ne gi e strah, kakto men me e strah v momenta, kak sa napravili krachkata? Schitala sum se za dosta smela. Vse pak ot 18 godishna zhiveia sama i sum se opravila niakaksi. Zavurshih kolezh, namerih si rabota, ustanovih se po niakakuv nachin vuv Washington…. i vse pak, me e strah. I tuka se seshtam za dumite ot edna pesen na Frou Frou "Let Go" koiato dosta me vpechatli naposleduk. Ne biah razbrala tochno do kolko, dokato ne gledah filma "Garden State", i togava izvednuzh neshto mi preshtraka: "So let go/ let go/ jump in/ well, what you waiting for?/ it’s alright/ cause there’s beauty in the breakdown".

Edin den, viarata mi izneveri i vsichko stana mnogo po-strashno i trudno.