An Ongoing Complaint
Since when did people stop having time for friends and only for their “significant others”? Is there a certain age you cross after which all of a sudden you feel as if in a vacuum, separated from all your friends who are in their own vacuums? I think about this pretty often nowadays and I sometimes wonder if I am the only person who makes note of this, and not only that—who is actually enraged by this. Since when did chores, your job, grocery shopping, hanging out at home become more important than spending time with your friends? May be I have it wrong and everyone else has it right, but I can’t help feeling betrayed at moments. And I simply can’t seem to accept this state of affairs. Friends call me less frequently (and I often feel that if I didn’t pick up the phone to call them, they might not call for months). I could be wrong, but that’s the impression that I get. It’s the “I will call you later”, which often means “I will call you when I have less to do at work and my boyfriend/girlfriend is away”, not always, but often. I have noticed that friends call when something is not going right in their lives, especially with their significant others, and then they want to talk. Which is fine; I like being there for my friends and being able to help them out and I would do almost anything to see them happy, but I sometimes think: Why can’t we get together, call each other up, talk when we are happy and have good things to share?
One answer is that once people reach a certain stage in their relationship with their “significant other” (especially if they live together), they tend to rely and open up only to that one person. The significant other is the person who bears all the sorrows, happiness, frustrations, achievements, etc. of his/her partner. And people start closing up to others around them, even their best friends. They tend to share less and less with the people they used to share everything with. They now do everything through the significant other “lens” so to speak, always thinking of what your partner will say/think/do in a certain situation or in reply to a certain suggestion. That’s understandable, of course, you want to consider the wishes and preferences of the person you are with and you love and I admire that, but what I don’t understand is, how come there is less love, time, space for your other friends? I am not talking about casual acquaintances here, I am talking about the friends you shared your hopes, dreams, childhoods, college years, exhilarations with, the ones you could always count on to inspire you, listen to you, make you laugh, and help you out, no matter what. All of a sudden, you are too busy to pay attention, to care about what is happening in their lives, to try and reconnect…. and you drift further and further apart. I can’t say that I blame the people necessary; they are still the same people, but something changes, and that is what really bothers me. Why does that happen? Is it just with my group of friends, is it where I live, is it the United States? Or do people my age worldwide experience this phenomenon? The distance and the mobility don’t help either. I don’t know why it so turns out that most of the people who feel the same way I do, actually live in completely different cities (sometimes even countries). It is a dire situation…… (again, I exaggerate, but…I do take it badly).
The problem is that as I notice people closing up around me, I think “Well, why do I have to be the one making all the effort?” and I begin to stop trying. And I don’t want it to be that way. I don’t want to care less about my friends. I don’t want to stop trying to keep the connection, but what if there comes a point when you just have to let go? My mother has told me several times that I live too much in the past and with memories, rather than in the present….
May be she is right, but on the other hand, I think it is important to remember your past and carry some of those great memories to continue in your present.
1 comment:
I couldn't have said it better! But then again you always were the one that agreed the most with me on this subject. I think partly it is because after college people start going their separate ways, not always by choice (job offers, etc), and in the new place the S.O. may be the only one there steadily. Making friends with people who already have a S.O. is even harder than keeping the ones that you already had! Every once in awhile I will see some old woman, who comes into a store at night and buys two beers for herself and is so surprised that you greeted her, that she doesn't now what to do. And you know that it is because she doesn't have anyone else, no one talks to her because there is no one. And that makes you stick to the one person sworn to stick by you.
I can think of one person right now, who has made it his sole interest right now, to find a mate, so to speak. I keep thinking that people would be better off if they could value friends too - S.O. is an important backbone, but shouldn't be the only one. But if every one turns to their mate, what are you left with?
And to put it lightly, I haven't had that much success making importnat friendships lately, so keeping the old ones is even more important. Even if things do change. I guess they have to change, because life and what not force them to. But they shouldn't die.
On that note, HUGS!!!
Btw, have you ever noticed that with email, you always write to the people you don't care about because it is so easy to dash of a quick answer. But when you want to sit down and write a real email, with actual content, you never do it. So in the end you keep up the relationships that don't even matter.
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