Being Alone, Loneliness, and Independence

One of my biggest fears for a big part of my life has been of being alone for any prolonged period of time. Alone does not necessarily have to equal lonely. After all, you can be by yourself and not feel lonely at all. Or you might find yourself surrounded by people but still feel pretty lonely. But in my mind, at least connected to this fear, they are the same thing. Not having anyone to talk to, share thoughts and impressions with, be happy with, simply sit side by side in silence with. Apparently, I haven’t always felt this way. While in Bulgaria in 2006-2007, I happened upon an old essay I wrote when I was 11 or 12. In it, I claimed that I feel most at ease when I am by myself and enjoy my own company the most. I was somewhat surprised to read this because before my return I had always sought the company of others. In DC, I had always had roommates; prior to that, in college, I had lived in a dorm. So, I had always been surrounded by people and could simply not picture the situation in which I would not be.

Why do I bring this up now you might ask? I recently thought about this and realized that especially this semester I have spent a significant amount of time by myself (be it studying, eating meals, or just sitting at home after a long day). And I didn’t even really notice or when I did, I actually enjoyed being away from the crowds. So does that mean I am not afraid of being alone anymore? Not exactly. I am hoping that I have reached a happy medium though, in which, time alone helps me actually devote time purely to myself, allows me to internalize the things I am experiencing, and gives me a “safe haven” from the craziness of the daily routine. Which in turn hopefully allows me to bring the best of myself into my interactions with others.

Perhaps yoga (despite my lack of practice this semester) has something to do with this change. Or perhaps, ten years after leaving Bulgaria and my family, I have finally come to accept the full terms of being independent.