Out of the Loop

Lately, when I have visited my parents and sister in Brussels, I have noticed one thing: I feel out of the loop. They have their inside jokes, their way of talking to each other (my sister often scolding my dad in a manner that would have been completely foreign a few years ago), topics they discuss over dinner, things that they feel passionate about. Often, I find myself not having the slightest idea that they cared about this or that issue. That this or that happened to my mom the other day. It is only normal, I know. After all, they live together and I haven't been living with them since Aug. 1997. There are bound to be a lot of things that I miss out on that go on in my family. Just as there are a lot of things that they miss out on in my day-to-day life.

When I first realized that I was no longer going to be part of this family in the same way (sometime during my second semester in college), I almost panicked. The thought really scared me. It was overwhelming to think of myself as being on my own from now on. (Of course, I was not and am not on my own in that literal way, but you probably know what I mean... it's the fact that the people who have been closest to you your whole life won't know when you are happy or sad, pensive or in need of conversation...the subtleties of one's life are lost to them (as are theirs to me)). I slowly came to accept that that's just the way it was going to be... and that it happens to everyone sooner or later. For me, it just happened much sooner, but that wasn't necessarily a negative thing.

But back to today. This is not really a complaint so much as an observation. I do feel out of the loop sometimes. I do catch myself surprised by certain things when I visit. I sometimes even try to search my memory for any recollection of how things used to be when I lived with my parents. Have things really changed that much? Or have I or my perceptions changed? It is a thought-memory game one could play for hours.

In the end, I just come to the conclusion that despite these "holes" in my collective family experience, the vital supporting structure is still there. In the end, the holes don't matter so much because they can easily be filled. And that will be the case no matter how much time has passed. That's the amazing thing about family.